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The Great Sex Secret : what satisfied women and men know that no one talks about

The Great Sex Secret : what satisfied women and men know that no one talks about

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Cover and internal design © 2007 by Sourcebooks, Inc

Kim Marshall


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Book Details
 Price
 2.50
 Pages
 266 p
 File Size 
 708 KB
 File Type
 PDF format
 ISBN-13
 ISBN-10
 978-1-4022-0810-2
 1-4022-0810-3
 Copyright©   
 2007 by Kim Marshall  

About the Author
Kim Marshall has worked in public education since
graduating from college in 1969, and has published
seven books and numerous articles. As a young teacher,
he was trained as a sex educator and began developing and
teaching a sex education curriculum, reaching more than
1,700 young adolescents over the years.

The Great Sex Secret developed on a parallel track.
Marshall was struck by some significant gaps in sex literature
and popular media and started work on a letter
that he planned to give to his own children on their eighteenth birthdays.

To his surprise, this proved to be one of the most
challenging projects he’d ever undertaken. Eight years
of reading, research, and feedback slowly turned a
twelve-page letter into something much bigger, and
Marshall decided to share it with a wider audience.
A generous impulse gave rise to this book. Marshall
hopes that its ideas will be helpful to many lovers,
allowing them to get to the heart of the matter a little
bit sooner. Life is short, the geography of love is a
challenge, and sexual happiness really matters.

Introduction
There are lots of books about sex out there. Why one more?
Because there is an important gap in sex
research and advice literature: almost no attention has
been paid to the ways in which human sexual anatomy
makes mutual satisfaction during intercourse a major
challenge—or to the work-arounds that some couples
have figured out over the years.

Thousands of books, magazines, videos, and websites
provide endless ideas about sexual foreplay, positions,
and practices, but they tend to avoid the basic
structural issues and downplay what would seem to be
the ideal finale of sex—orgasms for both partners.
There is an implicit assumption that lovers have that
part figured out.

But do they? A widely reported indicator of sexual
dissatisfaction—as many as 85 percent of women say
they don’t have orgasms during actual intercourse—has
been showing up in research for years.
Secret starts with this statistic and addresses some basic
questions:
• Why is sexual intercourse so often unfulfilling for women?
• Was there ever a time when this was not true?
• Is it possible for both partners to have orgasms
when they make love?
• Are simultaneous orgasms feasible—or desirable?
• What is “great sex,” anyway?
• What’s technique got to do with it?
• Why do so many lovers have trouble talking about sex?
• What’s going on when seemingly happy couples
shy away from sex?
• Can sexual passion be kept alive in long-term love relationships?
• Why has sex-advice literature been so unhelpful?
To answer these questions, we’ll look at an eclectic
array of material from contemporary and historical
sources, including the experience of couples who have
found their way to mutually satisfying lovemaking. 
The book presents the following argument:
• Penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse almost always
produces an orgasm for men but rarely does for
women. This is because the location of the clitoris
prevents most women from getting sensitive,
appropriate, and sustained stimulation during intercourse. 
Making love in ways that give both
partners full satisfaction is neither easy nor obvious—
it doesn’t “come naturally.”
• Historians tell us that through the ages, the default
setting for sexual intercourse has been male satisfaction
and female frustration. Several cultures
exhorted men to give sexual satisfaction to their
partners and even told them that their partners
wouldn’t get pregnant if they didn’t have
orgasms—but specific instructions for stimulating
the clitoris during intercourse were not provided.
• A persistent myth has been that penetration
alone should produce a female orgasm, preferably
at the same moment as the man’s; simultaneous
orgasms have often been touted as the
ultimate amorous accomplishment (but without
specifics on how to make them happen). Despite
today’s more sophisticated understanding of
human anatomy, this belief persists, and it is one
of several reasons that a good number of women
fake orgasms during intercourse.
• Lovemaking that is unfulfilling for one partner
does not stand the test of time and sows seeds of
resentment and unhappiness in a relationship. In
recent years, there has been much discussion of
“sexless marriages,” and the finger is usually
pointed at exhaustion in two-career households,
male anger about women having more power, and
inadequate sexual technique. But figuring out ways
for busy couples to be less fatigued, psychoanalyzing
the sources of male-female anger, or using better
foreplay, exotic positions, and sex toys do not
address the real problem.
• Many lovers who start off with a strong sexual connection
find that over the years they get bored with
sex, don’t make love as frequently or for as long as
they used to, and aren’t “in the mood” at the same
moment as their partner. Most sex-advice literature
promotes the idea that sexual variety, athleticism,
and spontaneity are the ways to keep passion alive
in long-term relationships.
• Not true. The key to long-term sexual happiness is
having a strong love relationship and finding an
effective, mutually satisfactory way to bring both
the man and the woman to orgasm while they are
together. Three effective approaches have been discovered
by couples over the years: first, separate
orgasms, with the woman having her climax before
or after actual intercourse (first me, then you); second,
the woman touching herself during intercourse;
and third, the man caressing his partner’s
clitoris during intercourse. All three approaches
reliably bring the woman to orgasm during lovemaking;
the second and third can easily produce
simultaneous or near-simultaneous orgasms. For
full details, see Chapter 6, Three Approaches to
Mutual Satisfaction.
• These approaches are almost never discussed in the
literature or talked about even among close friends.
Laypeople’s reticence is regrettable but understandable;
the silence of the “experts” is baffling. It
appears that almost all researchers and educators
are asking the wrong questions and are stuck in an
old paradigm of how sexual intercourse is supposed
to work. The result is that very few couples get
good advice from the literature—or from their parents,
their peers, sex education courses, popular
culture, and even (or perhaps especially) 
from erotica and pornography.
• The only way that some lovers have been able to
unlock the ancient mystery is by talking honestly
and openly with each other about sex. But most
people are shy and have had very little practice at
putting their sexual likes and dislikes into words.
When women have less power within romantic
relationships, they are even less likely to speak up
in bed. Poor communication is a major obstacle to
solving the built-in issues involved in mutually satisfying
male-female intercourse.
• Because of this, it’s a real challenge for couples to
find mutual satisfaction during lovemaking. All
too many lovers in each new generation follow the
same unsatisfying path as those who came (or did
not come) before them. A vast industry of sex
material and paraphernalia attempts to alleviate
this unhappiness, but very little of it helps.
• Lasting sexual happiness begins when couples confront
the mismatches in their sexual anatomies,
communicate well, and settle on an approach that
reliably gives both partners orgasms when they
make love. Making this point and describing the
most effective techniques in some detail is what
this book is all about.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments......................................................ix
Introduction ..............................................................1
Chapter 1:
Disappointment in the Land of Eros:
Is There a Design Flaw? ..........................................7
Chapter 2:
Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma’am:
The Long History of One-Sided Sex ......................27
Chapter 3:
No Female Orgasm—But He Tried..........................45
Chapter 4:
Faking It and Dealing with It ..................................63
Chapter 5:
Simultaneous Orgasms: Are They Possible? ..............79
Chapter 6:
Three Approaches to Mutual Satisfaction ..............107
Chapter 7:
What’s Technique Got to Do with It? ....................131
Chapter 8:
Keeping Passion Alive in Long-Term
Relationships........................................................155
Chapter 9:
Finding Our Way to Sexual Happiness ..................177
Bibliography ..........................................................197
Endnotes ................................................................203
About the Author ..................................................213

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This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician.
The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to
the subject matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the
services of an appropriate medical professional should be sought.

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