Loving Sex: The Book of Joy and Passion

Loving Sex: The Book of Joy and Passion

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Laura Berman, PhD

New York Times Bestselling Author

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Book Details
 290 p
 File Size 
 24,997 KB
 File Type
 PDF format
 2011 Dorling Kindersley Limited 
 2011 Laura Berman

Introduction: love and sex
The intertwining of love and sex is one of the most beautiful things two people can share.
Of course you can have love without sex, and you can have sex—even good sex—without
love. But it’s only when the two meet that sparks really fly, and you and your partner can
discover your full potential for intimacy and pleasure.

The problem is that loving sex doesn’t happen by itself—whatever you may see in the
movies. The media tell us that sex is simple, that romance is everywhere, and that happy
couples reach orgasm each and every time. Of course, reality is much less perfect. Loving
sex needs time, it needs effort, and it needs a commitment from both of you to explore
each other’s desires and prioritize each other’s pleasure. Loving sex is mindful sex.
Many people believe that, over time, the spark of excitement in a relationship inevitably
dims. It’s true that there is a biological imperative for a natural downturn in your sex life. When
we first meet a potential partner, our brains are flooded with chemicals that excite and thrill
us. We can’t stop thinking about this new person. This intense physical and emotional
reaction is our bodies’ way of making sure that we feel a connection—and, thus, that we
consummate the relationship to produce offspring. It might not sound very romantic on
paper, but our sexual urge is as instinctive our urges to breathe, sleep, and eat.

Once you have been with your partner for some time, these biological cues slowly
dissipate. Our brains simply can’t run on that level of obsession forever, nor can we maintain
a balanced life with such a one-track focus. And, of course, as our lives progress, we have
many other demands on our time—we become so busy with work, kids, chores, and a million
other commitments that we barely have time to sit down and talk, let alone be romantic!
On top of this, the longer you and your partner stay together, the more time and energy
it takes to make your sexual experiences explosive. In a long-term relationship, you have likely
had sex with your partner thousands of times. This brings stability and intimacy, but it also
means that you can become stuck in a rut—or, worse, that you take your partner for granted.
These are all common issues that couples face, which is why you must take a
comprehensive approach to spicing up your sex life. The flush of first love can indeed
fade, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spark it back to life whenever you want. One of the
marvelous things about sexuality is that every experience can feel new and unique. A new
lover represents uncharted territory, new lands to discover, and new wonders at which to
marvel. And your long-term partner can be infinitely full of surprises, able to thrill you each
and every time that you are together.

The process of learning and growing is never complete, no matter how long you have
been together. Sexuality is fluid and ever-changing, and our desires and needs are different
at each stage of our lives. It’s important to reevaluate your sexual relationship as you grow
together, making the necessary changes to keep your bond strong.
The result is that you can not only recapture this intense attraction, but you can also
experience it in a more meaningful context. In place of puppy love, you will establish a deep,
meaningful, and spiritual bond with your partner that will support you, challenge you, and
sustain you throughout your lives. All it takes is a little bit of know-how and a commitment
to improving and enjoying your sexual experiences.

Thankfully, by reading this book you have already taken the first and most important
step to invigorating your love life: being proactive in creating your own sexual pleasure. You
need to know how to make sex more spontaneous; how to create romance even on a boring
weekday night; how to juggle kids, careers, and a home; how to create a healthy lifestyle and
have positive body-image; how to treat issues such as menopause and low libido—and, of
course, how to have amazing sex! This book addresses all of these important issues, and takes
an intimate look at the tools and toys, positions and practices that human beings have dreamt
up to add spice to their love lives. Consider this your new go-to guide for all things bedroomrelated,
a place to find answers to all those questions you wouldn’t dare ask aloud.

Ready to begin? Grab your partner and start reading!

Table of Contents
introduction: love and sex 6
loving sex is... physical 8
the beauty of the body • the biology of arousal
• the power of pheromones • erogenous zones
• caressing the body • breasts and nipples • the
male genitalia • the female genitalia • hidden
hot spots • physical health and sex • building sexual fitness
loving sex is... emotional 36
the evolution of sex • sex and pleasure • the
psychology of attraction • flirting and lust
• flirtatious foreplay • emotionally intimate sex
• maintaining your sexual bond • choosing
happiness • dealing with sexual anxiety
loving sex is... seductive 58
creating sexual desire • the power of anticipation
• exciting the senses • stripping down • dating
in a relationship • the art of foreplay • the kissing
connection • sexy, sultry embraces • undressing
to seduce • undressing each other • fondling and
stroking • sensual massage • non-penetrative sex
loving sex is... ecstatic 92
the anatomy of orgasm • types of orgasm
• embracing self-touch • enjoying orgasm
together • when orgasm is hard • mutual manual touch
loving sex is... intimate 108
going down on him • going down on her • 69
positions • the missionary position • positions
for emotional intimacy • woman-on-top
positions • teasing pleasure • side-by-side
positions • positions for making up after a fight
• sitting positions • erotic picnic
loving sex is... passionate 148
from-behind positions • positions for g-spot
stimulation • kneeling positions • heat of the
moment • standing positions • positions for
passion • mastering the quickie • playful passion
loving sex is... insatiable 178
sex toys • more sex toys • positions with sex toys
• embracing erotica • loving sex: round two
loving sex is... adventurous 194
exotic positions • positions for a challenge • sex
outside the bedroom • indulging your fantasies
• explore your fantasies • the act of roleplay
loving sex is... experimental 214
exploring fetishism • experimenting with BDSM
• discovering tantric sex • willing bondage
• sex with multiple partners • enjoying anal play
• the many colors of sexuality
loving sex is... safe 234
emotional and physical safety • practicing
safer sex • increasing awareness about
STIs • your contraception choices • sex
struggles for men • finding a balance
• menopause and andropause
• dealing with loss of desire
loving sex is... beautiful 258
sharing intimacy after lovemaking
• bedroom banter • difficult
relationships • sex during pregnancy
• sex and the family • sex for
special populations • sex in later
life • recovering from infidelity
• seductive romance
conclusion: finding passion 278
bibliography 280
resources 282
index 284
acknowledgments 288

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conclusion: finding passion
It has been said that the greatest thing you will ever learn in life is to love and be loved in
return. And learning to give and receive sexual love is at the core of a passionate and fulfilling
love life. Sex is more than just a few minutes of pleasure. Our sexuality is an indelible and
enduring part of who we are, and sexual pleasure and connection is the cornerstone of a
happy relationship. By making this pleasure a priority, you can ensure that you and your
partner will stay bonded and intimate throughout your lives.

As a sex therapist, I have seen firsthand how powerfully sex can impact and enhance
our connection to our own selves, and the depth of love we can share with someone else.
I have seen sex bring couples together in times of crisis, build bridges during times of
emotional distress, and reignite flames of passion and love that have long since burned
out. I truly believe that if the will is there, you and your partner can traverse any chasm
and rediscover each other again and again, sexually and in all other parts of your life.

There are many ideas in this book that can help you take your intimate life to new
heights or embark on an entirely new sexual journey. Sex can and should be a part of your
daily life. This doesn’t mean that you’ll ooze sexual desire every minute of every day—but
you can honor and enjoy your sexual side throughout your week, instead of reserving all
that energy for date night. Sex is not meant to be saved just for special occasions!
Making your sexuality a daily part of your relationship is all about creating that “slow
burn” I’ve discussed throughout this book. The idea is to make sure that your sexual flame
never goes out, since it can be very difficult to reignite once it is extinguished. Instead, keep
your desire set to a constant simmer, then simply turn up the heat when you hit the bedroom.
To do this, you can use the tips suggested in this book—read erotica, wear sexy lingerie, turn
your bedroom into a sensual haven, send your partner naughty emails—or you can come
up with your own unique ideas for spicing up your connection.

It may come as a surprise to hear that the most passionate relationships require time
apart. Loving sex is not just about keeping the sensual energy alive, but about respecting your
partner’s independence. Ideally, you and your partner should be open books to one another,
but you should also have enough trust to allow for individual space. This will help keep
mystery alive in your relationship, and will ensure you remain the interesting, engaging, and
well-rounded person that your partner fell in love with. Building this level of trust will be one
of the most fulfilling and enriching experiences you will ever enjoy, and it will transform you
into a more open, happy individual.

Along with this foundational trust, the best lovers always maintain the highest level
of respect for one another. Sometimes we find ourselves giving our best to the outside world,
being kind and patient to coworkers or friends, only to come home and be short-tempered
with the most important person of all. Luckily, you can stop a bad mood in its tracks by taking
time to identify the real cause of your sadness or anger, and giving both yourself and your
partner time to unwind at the end of a long day.

And remember, your sexual journey isn’t always built for two. There might be work that
you need to do your own, whether that’s addressing past trauma or breaking through your
own sexual inhibitions. Although your partner can support you along the way, much of your
happiness and sexual satisfaction needs to come from within, and it needs to stem from a loving
acceptance of your own body and spirit. Although this might take time and soul-searching,
it can help you become a more confident, authentic person, sexually and otherwise.
All of this means that a sexy, passionate, and exciting life is yours for the taking, regardless
of your age or the amount of time you and your partner have been together. So long as you
communicate openly, trust one another, remain interested in the world around you, and
respect each other’s individual needs and interests, you can reach sexual and emotional
heights you might never have imagined.